Tag Archives: writing

How to Write a Query Letter that Makes Agents and Editors Swoon

This is a response to my earlier post called Why Your Query Letter is Making Agents and Editors Cringe. I’m so meta, right?

Writing a query letter is an art, they say. What they really mean is that it’s really gosh-darn hard. It seems that everyone and their sister thinks they can write a query letter, but out in the real world, it fails. Miserably.

That’s what happened to me. I thought writing a query letter was easy. I composed one in a couple hours and unleashed it onto the world. Little did I know, it was crap and yielded no return. It wasn’t until I joined the Absolute Write and participated in their forum that I was able to learn how to write a query letter properly.

Now, I shall bestow my knowledge upon you.

Step One: Write a Manuscript

A given, right? Wrong. I am a big advocate that writers complete their entire manuscript before they attempt to write a query letter. Yes, I know querying seems exciting for you right now. Yes, I know you think you’ve struck gold and you absolutely NEED to tell someone. But you need to finish. And when I say finish, I mean beta-read, edited, spit-shined, and all.

Why? Well, how can you write a clear, concise, pristine query letter if your manuscript is not clear, concise, and pristine. So, get back to writing, grasshopper! Your day in query letter hell will come.

stop-sign_w725_h544

Step Two: Learn the Anatomy of a Query Letter

A query letter is generally broken into three parts:

  1. The Hook
  2. The Story
  3. The Credentials

This is the basic structure that writers follow. Yes, there are little variations to this structure, but they generally only occur if a specific editor or agent requests said variations (and they will make such requests and other specifications on the submissions page of their website). Otherwise, it’s safest to stick to this model. Remember, you are writing a proposal for your product (ie. your novel), not taking over the world with your revolutionary literary prowess.

Step Three: The Hook

The Hook is just what it seems: it is a small paragraph, normally one to three sentences, that will draw in a reader, hold tight, and make them want to read more. Think of it like the deep, intense voice that begins movie trailers. A lot of writers will use a When-clause, but it’s not always necessary. Here is an example of a When-clause:

“When Harry Potter discovers he is a wizard, he enrols in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and uncovers a dark magic, one that threatens to take over the wizarding world.”

With that hook alone, it’s easy to identify three things: the main character, the location, and the gist of the plot. In theory, this should be enough to force the reader to read the remainder of the query letter, but don’t forget to make it sound pretty. You’re selling your amazing writing skills, after all.

Step Four: The Story

The Story is, again, just that. It is the plot of your novel, concise and juicy, giving away just enough to entice. It is important not to overwhelm your reader with too many details. That generally means that you should stick to your main character, no more than two supporting characters, and the chief antagonist. Also, it is essential to stick to the MAIN PLOT. Again, the OVERARCHING PLOT. I know you love your subplots, but those do not belong in your query letter. They will overwhelm the reader and crowd your query letter.

crowd

Reading your query letter shouldn’t feel like trying to find a small child in a crowd.

Now, I’m not one for outlines. I very rarely outline a story and when I do, it’s such a loose outline that it’s barely an outline at all. But the query letter is different. You absolutely should consider an outline. Why? Well, let’s try a little experiment. Take your current novel and try to sum it up in 150 words or less. Hard, right? Even if you were able to do it, I bet I didn’t sound beautiful and I bet you left out details that you’re dying to include.

The outline will help with that. To outline, I normally use the Three Question Method. This helps writers to focus their query and be sure not to forget the most important elements of the plot. Each query letter should strive to answer these three questions (taken from the Absolute Write forums):

  1.  What does your protagonist want?
  2.  What does s/he have to do to get it?
  3. What happens if s/he fails to get what she wants? (the stakes)

Once you’ve answered these three questions, you have the bare bones for a query letter. Essentially, you want this paragraph to read like the blurbs on the back of books. You want it to entice and you want to detail the plot, but leave it open-ended.

Step Five: The Credentials

This is the part where you talk about yourself. What other work have you gotten published? What qualifications do you have? Don’t have any of that? That’s really okay, but what inspired you to write this story and what makes YOU the person who should tell it?

Also, the second part of this paragraph should cater to the person you’re sending it to. Why did you choose said agent/editor/publisher as a candidate for your work? This will include some research. Look at other titles your agent/editor/publisher has worked with. Look at their blog, Twitter or Facebook pages. This is the part where you personalize your letter and don’t go skimpy on this part. They will know if you’re lying or if you haven’t done your research.

Lastly, do NOT forget to include the title of your manuscript, the genre and the word count. This is generally done in the first sentence of The Credentials paragraph.

Step Six: Get Feedback

This is perhaps the most important step. Have a writer friend? A beta-reader? A brutally honest friend who likes to read? Have them look it over. Does it entice them? Are they able to understand the main pillars of your plot? If you answer no to these questions, an agent or editor will to. Revise, revise, revise, and if you send it out to prospective literary personnel and get no bites, revise again.

Finally, don’t be discouraged. Querying is a long, labouring, and often fruitless process, but all writers go through it. Besides, all it takes is one yes.

——-

And it’s a simple as that. Good luck!

Confession: Twilight Inspired Me! (10 Books that Have Stuck With Me)

So, I’m a little late, but I’ve decided not to do this challenge on Facebook. Instead, I’ll make it into a blog post! It may take me a little longer than a few minutes, but yolo, right? Thanks to my mom and brother for tagging me! Instructions:

“Don’t take more than a few minutes and don’t think too hard – they don’t have to be the “right” books or great works of literature, just the ones that have affected you in some way.”
Why no sequels?

Why no sequels?

A Series of Unfortunate Events by Lemony Snicket

Yeah, there are 13 books… I know. In any case, these books were my favourite for a long time, even more so than Harry Potter (until book 7, of course). I remember reading the first book in this series, The Bad Beginning, in a single evening after elementary school. For me, that was when my love for books and writing really started.

And besides, have you seen the movie with Jim Carrey? The fact that there were never any sequels produced is one of the great human atrocities.

Harry Potter and the Whole Goddamn Series (Obviously)

Another series, but how could I not? I have such admiration for JK Rowling as a writer and for the world she created. I really love how all-encompassing it is for people and how all-encompassing it was for me. I remember staying up all night to read these bad boys and I distinctly remember crying when some of the characters died… Okay, I cried almost every time.

Oryx and Crake by Margaret Atwood

I have never once been so riled up by a book. Oryx and Crake follows a man who has survived a global pandemic who recalls the details of his life, his dead lover, and his best friend who was responsible for it all. This book made me many things: sad, angry, and even disgusted — only Margaret Atwood could pull off a child pornography scene (you read correctly). In fact, the feeling of being disturbed is why I think this book was so powerful to me. Margaret Atwood has always been one of my favourite authors, but this book is her best in my opinion. If you’re a fan of speculative fiction with a literary flair intertwined with a healthy dose of cynicism, then this book is right for you.

Big Brother is watching.

Big Brother is watching.

1984 and Brave New World

I’ll group book four and five together, mostly because their content is related. For the longest time, 1984 by George Orwell was my favourite book… And then I read Brave New World by Aldous Huxley. If you haven’t heard of either, I implore you to surface from under your rock and read them. THIS INSTANT. For me as a young reader and writer, these two novels were one of the biggest influences for my debut novel coming out in 2015. Dystopia is just so interesting!

Intrigued? Stay tuned.

The Great Gatsby and This Side of Paradise by F. Scott Fitzgerald

The Great Gatsby? Amazing. It was one of those novels I appreciated as I got older and I became kind of obsessed with the Jazz Age and the I-don’t-care attitude for a while there.

This Side of Paradise? Even better. Maybe it’s because I can relate so much to the main character. Yeah, he’s whiny and entitled and cynical, but he would fit right in in this age of millennial disappointment and a general distaste for real life. If you haven’t read it but adore Fitzgerald as much as I do, this is a must!

The Wise Man’s Fear by Patrick Rothfuss

Mr. Rothfuss gets a bad rep for taking such a long time between installations of his trilogy The Kingkiller Chronicle, but this second book was well worth the four years I had to wait for it. He has such a way with words and his world-building skills remind me of Tolkien. Yeah, he may not have mentioned anything about his third book for this trilogy lately, but he has a new companion book coming out in October. I can’t wait!

Wizard’s First Rule by Terry Goodkind

I’m not gonna lie, I kind of fell off the bandwagon after book four of The Sword of Truth series, but I did love this book. This was the first book I read post-Harry Potter that was in the fantasy genre and it definitely piqued my interest… enough to write a whole manuscript in the genre. Yes, that manuscript sucked and will never be published (EVER), but the initial inspiration was there thanks to Mr. Goodkind.

And the moment you’ve all been waiting for… Twilight

It’s not what you think. Really. I didn’t even read all of the first one. In fact the Twilight Saga didn’t stick with me because I enjoyed the story or because it was well-written. Instead, it instilled in me a critical eye. I just wanted to understand. Why was it so successful even though I thought it was lacking in both story and style? Why were people freaking out over it? I gave it a try, really I did, but I just couldn’t do it.

The real Twilight, my friends. Notice the lack of sparkling.

The real Twilight, my friends. Notice the lack of sparkling.

The Twilight Saga impacted me for one reason: I didn’t like it but it was popular and successful nonetheless. It sent me on a crusade to *not* do all the things that made me cringe in the book. Frankly, it made me want to write something that wasn’t terrible. It also gave me hope that my own work could be published. I’m not saying I’m an amazing author or anything, but there’s definitely no Bella Swan in my work.

20-Something Profile: Michael

My very own 20-Something Profile! Check it out!

Shaman: Too Long, Didn’t Read

Kill it! Kill it with fire!

Kill it! Kill it with fire!

I always finish a book. Always. I’m the kind of person who can’t just leave one on my bookshelf without having read it — all of it. I do it because I’m a believer in books. Besides, what if the best part is at the end? What if something awesome is just around the corner.

But I failed. I couldn’t do it. Shaman by Kim Stanley Robinson is my kryptonite.

You can check out my full review here, but in a nutshell, I just couldn’t bring myself to finish the book. This is my first read from this author and I had high hopes. I’d heard about other books he’d written and I was really excited. His Mars Trilogy has been met with acclaim and I’d been eyeing 2312 for a while. When I saw Shaman, I thought I’d give it a try.

I should have known when I couldn’t find a plot description on the cover and when I found even less of one on the internet. THE INTERNET! The all-knowing, all-consuming, information hub of the world had nothing to say about this book besides everyone claiming it was the best (Marina Abramovic, you tricked me!) And you know why I couldn’t find a plot description?

Because there was no plot. Spoiler alert.

Okay, maybe there was. In the book’s defense, I only made it to page 250. But in MY defense, I made it to page 250! I was so bored I thought I should swallow it for some entertainment. The characters were boring and the prose was dry and the concept had promise but it ultimately felt like a BBC documentary about the Ice Age… And I like BBC documentaries.

Maybe I just don’t get it. I have read books with little to no plot before, and I can honestly say I don’t mind them. Heck, a few of the best written books out there are nearly plotless. But at least those books had other elements that made them worthwhile: exhilarating prose, great characters, interesting ideas.

This just wasn’t one of them. In the words of my mother, life is too short to read a book you don’t like. If I died tomorrow, I don’t want my last literary memories to be of me struggling to pay attention, all while contemplating throwing the book out of my window on the highway so I wouldn’t feel guilty about keeping a book half-read on my bookshelf.

Maybe next time, Kim Stanley Robinson.

What makes you stop reading a book?

My Biggest Issues with Mainstream Fiction

For me, there are two types of books. I will admit, I enjoy the first the most: a good plot, well-thought out characters, interesting themes, and ultimately, a book with something to say. This is the haute couture of books, the Ferraris, if you will. And then there’s the other stuff. Maybe I’m just getting older. Maybe I’m just getting more and more acquainted with what’s good and what’s not so good. Either way, I find myself reading something, and I can’t help but wonder: “how did this get published?”

Well, I believe I’ve found out, and to be truthful, the answers are part of the problem.

Vampires and Zombies and Dystopias, Oh My!

Trends. Trends will be the death of the publishing industry (or the saving grace, depending on how you look at it). Do you know how many times I’ve read or *thought about* reading a book, only to discover it’s following the current fad? It makes me sad. I understand how the world works. I understand that books, like any other industry, go through certain successes, and then tries to get the most out of said success by replicating it again and again and again.

But seriously. How many books were turned down by big publishing houses because the current trend was focused on some frivolous fad like uni-cycling unicorns? Worse: how many badly written books were published anyway just because uni-cycling unicorns became the thing to do?

I vant to suck all the originality out of the books you read.

I vant to suck all the originality out of the books you read.

Emphasis on the XXX

Sex sells. We all know it. Tackled the right way, it can be effective — poetic even. But a book that devotes itself entirely to it without any mind to develop characters or have a good plot or follow some basic guidelines for good storytelling? Again, sadness ensues. What happened to sex being something that enhanced a story, not its reason for existence?

How about Fifty Shades of My Fist?

How about Fifty Shades of My Fist?

Pop Fiction

Over the years, I’ve discovered something that has become more and more apparent in the publishing industry. I call it Pop Fiction. Think pop music but without the excessive music videos and lip syncing. But then again, this is much the same. It’s like an author writes an okay book, gets the backing of a big publishing house, and BANG! bestseller. And fine, maybe some of these books aren’t so bad, but the quality has tanked. String together a few sentences, throw some sex in there, get some pre-teens on your side, and call it a day.

It’s like no one even tries any more. Can you imagine what people will think 100 years from now when the books released today are considered classics?

I shudder.

How I Stopped Caring and I’m Better Off

So, here’s the deal. I graduated university in April. I left on a plane ten days after my last exam and travelled to South Africa and Europe for forty days. While I was abroad, I managed to secure a publishing contract after YEARS (legit, like 7 years) and then get a contract for a day job to carry me until I can *hopefully* be able to make my writing my work.

My secret? I stopped caring.

Old Life Philosophy: Micro-manage the crap out of everything and then beat yourself up when things don't go EXACTLY as planned.

Old Life Philosophy: Micro-manage the crap out of everything and then beat yourself up when things don’t go EXACTLY as planned.

Okay, backtrack. I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea. I do care. I cared very much about getting my post-secondary degree. I cared very much about being able to uproot my life for a while and live out of a backpack. I cared and continue to care very much about my writing because ultimately, writing is my art and my child and without it, I’d be completely lost.

What I stopped caring about was all the pressure that I was putting on myself.

Before I completed my university degree, I was in a different place. I had three manuscripts that seemingly no one gave a rat’s ass about. I had the daunting task of trying to find a job in this rough and often hopeless-seeming economy. Worst of all, I had this fear welled so deep inside me that I would never get to live my dream of being a writer. I worried that I would lay on my deathbed decades from now and realize that not only had I not achieved my dream, but I had wasted my whole life with nothing to show for it. I felt hopeless.

And then I boarded a plane and everything changed, almost as soon as I landed in Paris from my first overnight flight. It wasn’t that nothing really mattered anymore because a lot of things did, it was just that I seemed to have developed a distance from everything in my life. Sure, the physical distance was there, but there was also a mental one — an emotional one.

I learned to live in the now. I stopped worrying so much about what I was going to do once I graduated, what would happen when I returned home, and how I would feel if I failed the one thing I so desperately wanted to do. I also realized the immense pressure I had been putting on myself. It was the pressure to succeed for myself and a fear that I would fail and have to live the life that society envisioned for me. I became okay with not having a clear-cut direction for a little while and best of all, I stopped caring.

Drinking in Durban in the daytime? I just don't care!

Drinking in Durban in the daytime? I just don’t care!

I didn’t care that I had no job. I didn’t care that society was trying to convince me that my dream was unable to be achieved. I didn’t care that I had very little money and that I would return home to face an abyss with little more than a grand to my name. I just knew that I loved something so much that I trusted I would find a way to make it work.

And the moment I stopped caring and stressing, things fell into place. I was twenty-five days into my backpacking trip, checking into a hostel in Heidelberg, Germany when I got the email I would be a published author.

So, stop caring.

8 Rules for Writing Fiction and Why You Should Break Them

I always find it funny that writers and editors always seem to have a billion sometimes-contradictory dos and don’ts when it comes to writing “good” fiction. But what is “good” fiction? I don’t want to start a philosophical debate, but one person’s Shakespeare is another’s Rebecca Black, you know? So instead of giving you a list of things that I think make good writing, I’ve decided to look at the rules, whether they come from professionals or amateurs, and I’ve taken the liberty of refuting some of them.

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8. No Prologues

Listen, I can’t say I’m a particular fan of prologues, but honestly, a lot of successful writers have used them and their work has been just that: successful. I would suggest that writers stop agonizing over this rule and focus on what’s important. Get back to the writing. Get back to the story and the characters that will carry you beyond that prologue. If it’s essential to the story, it will stick.

7. No Adverbs

I read somewhere that using adverbs is a mortal sin. Mortal sin? Really? Even worse than a flawed plot line or boring characters? I militantly disagree. A couple adverbs here and there aren’t going to ruin a piece. In fact, sometimes I like them. It’s like drinking wine: a few adverbs may heighten your experience, but a lot of them can be draining and induce headaches.

Are they really that bad?

Are they really that bad?

6. Never Use A Dialogue Tag Besides “Said”

I was on this boat once, and then I got an editor and she pointed out how dry this made my writing after paragraphs and paragraphs of he said, she said. I’m not saying writers should go wild, I’m just suggesting that perhaps spicing it up a bit may actually enhance your writing.

5. No Present Tense

Don’t get me wrong: when done poorly, this can be disastrous, but mindless copies of the same old third person narrative can be terrible too. When done well, first person has an almost fast-paced, immediate feeling to it. It also feels more personal and more artistic, kind of like the primitive storytelling that humans were good at for THOUSANDS OF YEARS. So, give it a try. If it works, perhaps your story is meant to be told that way.

true-story_1413

4. Use Only Complete Sentences

If you’re writing academically, then sure. Fiction? It can have positive effects.

See what I did there?

3. Write Every Day

It’s not that I disagree with this rule, it’s just that it’s unrealistic and puts a lot of pressure on aspiring writers who ultimately fail at this and then feel inferior for not reaching this goal. Myself included. If I could rewrite this rule, I would say Write a lot.

Life happens. People have day jobs. And school. And children. And lives. If writing every day doesn’t happen, that’s okay. But don’t doubt the need for time. Writing won’t happen when you’re asleep. Just remember, sometimes quality trumps quantity. You may find that writing every day for ten minutes may not be as productive or as enjoyable as writing for 2 hours every couple days.

2. Write What you Know

I don’t necessarily disagree with this, but I disagree with the misinterpretation this rule carries. I read somewhere once that young people made for bad writers because they were too inexperienced. The argument was that young people should go out and experience the world before attempting writing. I even heard that young writers shouldn’t even try until they had a master’s degree in creative writing. In other words, young writers don’t have enough in the “know” category yet.

Pride-and-Prejudice

I say, to hell with that, write away! Forget about what you know and what you don’t. Write something that comes from the heart. 9 times out of 10, what comes from the heart isn’t just something you know, it’s what is meaningful to the soul. Besides, F. Scott Fitzgerald’s This Side of Paradise was published when he was in his twenties and he dropped out of his undergrad at Princeton without completing. That’s not to say that a writer shouldn’t explore the world around them and get new experiences, I just caution against waiting. Strike the iron while it’s hot, if you can pardon the cliché.

1. There are no Rules

There is perhaps no rule I can disagree with more. Rules are meant to be broken, yes, but that doesn’t mean that there are no rules. Writers still have to adhere to grammar and spelling rules. Failyure to do sow results in sentenses that look like this.

So, don’t listen to those who say that there are no rules. There are. Editors judge pieces based on rules. Publishers judge pieces based on rules. READERS judge pieces based on rules. What this rule means to say is that some rules can and should be broken. Others can even add an element of artistic flair if broken in the right way. Ultimately, you decide, but know that getting an opinion from an editor or trusted reader is always valuable.

Got any rules that plain just don’t make sense?

20 Goals for a 23 Year Old

This past Friday, I turned 23! Hurray! I’m so old, right? Just kidding. I’m not that person. In any case, it’s a new year with new opportunities and I’m excited continue working to pursue my dreams of writing, travelling, and living.

Now, I obviously won’t be able to do ALL of this before I turn 24, but I plan on this being the trend for the next couple years. Maybe a 5 year plan? Either way, I’ll post updates as I make progress (or lack thereof).

20. Make good lifestyle choices. I am the worst. I suck at sticking to an exercise schedule (read: I have no time). I prefer to eat out rather than cook (read: I have NO time). I’m a sucker for sugar, sodium, and wine (read: I like comfort food).

19. Try new recipes. This builds into #20. I wanna expand my cooking abilities, especially with quinoa and couscous (I LOVE them both). Got a cooking blog? Get at me. I need inspiration.

18. Expand my short story and poetry collection. I’d ideally like to read more and write more from these two mediums. I dabble a little in them now, but I can honestly say that novel writing is more my thing.

17. Find a good TV show. I haven’t found one that’s held my interest since LOST. That ended in 2010.

Maybe I'll just rewatch LOST.

Maybe I’ll just rewatch LOST.

16. Brush up on my language skills. I’m a foreign language major but I feel like the languages I’ve studied are slipping away. Maybe I’ll start reading books in other languages again.

15. Learn a new language. My partner speaks Afrikaans and I’ve been dabbling in it for a while now. Time to jump on board and study it seriously?

14. Get back into non-fiction. I have so many non-fiction books on my shelf that I just. haven’t. read.

13. Explore the world in my backyard. I’m really good at finding places I wanna go that are far away, but not so much at exploring the places within driving distance. Anyone in southern Ontario or New England? I’m looking for places to go for weekend getaways. Suggest in the comments.

12. Buy a new car. Okay, not new, but I’m scared mine might go any day now. Maybe just a car that’s not 13 years old.

11. Clean out my car. After practically living out of it for almost two years now, it’s a joke. I apologize to any passengers who may have contracted a disease.

10. Clear out old clothes. I’ve been meaning to do this for AGES. I have so many things I don’t wear, and I’m sure I can find a good charity to give them to.

9. Get out of my city. Already decided I won’t live here. Hell, my family doesn’t want to either. Time to go.

8. Plan for the future. Where am I going? What do I need to do? Do I want to buy a house? Life insurance? A spaceship? Adult decisions everywhere!

Adulthood

7. Take more time to just be. Maybe that includes meditation. I haven’t decided. God, I’m so meta.

6. Spend more time with those I love. This one kinda bit me in the butt recently. I had someone very close to me pass away, and I kind of feel like I didn’t get to spend enough time with her these past couple years. It wasn’t that I ignored her, I just regret not learning more about her and not making more memories with her. That needs to change for the future.

5. Go on a big trip next year. And the following year. Already planning Greece and Turkey for 2015. Maybe South Africa again in 2016. Been to these places? Comment and let me know what you think.

4. Edit my next novel. Again. Just when I think it’s done, I get a publishing contract and I get self-conscious of my work all over again. My focus is of course on my first novel that will be out next year, but I want to also fix my subsequent novel so that can be released soon afterward.

3. Make and execute a kickass marketing campaign. I’m amped and planning a huge campaign for my first novel. Want to collaborate? Contact me! Otherwise, look out for it mid-autumn. I want it to be EPIC.

The best gift I received this year!

The best gift I received this year!

2. Complete a third manuscript. I already have two on the go, you say? Welp, I just can’t help myself. It’s already started.

1. Be able to live off of my writing. This is my NUMBER ONE goal. For me, writing is not about the money. I’m not looking to be famous or buy a humongous house, but I want to be able to do what I want for a living. I want to be able to make my passion for writing my work. It may not happen tomorrow, but I will stop at nothing to get there. I want to be able to support myself off of what I love.

I'm out of control.

All day, every day. In theory.

Got any goals?

Why I’d Rather Pass a Kidney Stone Than Talk About My Writing.

So far, this summer has been a busy one. I mean, I don’t know which summer hasn’t been busy because seriously, Canada only allots me about 8 to 10 good weeks of summer weather, and the rest of the time, I contemplate immigration. In any case, this means my short summers are jammed packed with social gatherings, family parties, and barbecues to enjoy the limited sun and bathing suit heat we do get. This year though, something has changed.

I’m going to be a published author.

Yay me, right? Don’t get me wrong, I’m ecstatic. This has been my life dream since before I had any concept of the real world or the feasibility of a career in writing. Well, I’m getting there and people are realizing that too.

But it’s not without struggles. In light of more editing, deadlines, and enough promotional materials to sink a small ship, I’m facing some new situations. Not all are bad: most are awesome and everyone is supportive.

But one makes me want to scream.

angry-dwight

Observe:

“So, you’re getting published, right?” Asks some distant relative, or friend of a friend, or colleague of my mom’s second cousin at that barbecue or other social event.

“Yeah.”

I shift uneasily. I can hear the words that are coming next. They resonate in my brain before they’ve even been verbalized. Abort mission, Michael. ABORT!

“Well, what’s your book about?”

There it is. I freeze. My palms get sweaty. My mouth is dry and I fumble to do something else with myself. Perhaps I need another drink. Perhaps I need to help that older lady climb the stairs. Perhaps I need to start cleaning up this mess because although this party has just started, fixing those misaligned paper plates would make me more comfortable than answering that question.

“Well, you see,” I start. “I’ve written a post-apocalyptic fantasy novel about a village of surviving humans who are stalked by mutant demons that have evolved in the jungle following Earth’s destruction.”

And then comes my favourite part: the glazed-over look in their eyes, the furrowed brow, the confusion. One of two things has happened just now: either they have no idea what I’m talking about, perhaps hung-up on words like post-apocalyptic, or they’re just frightened.

“The apocalypse?” They say. “Oh, that’s… interesting.”

That’s my exit cue. That’s when I normally reach for the vodka bottle for some social lubricant. Maybe I’ll also adjust those paper plates. Things would be much less tense if they weren’t misaligned.

But the struggle must continue. I know what’s coming next, almost like the way you can feel a bad cold by the preceding chills and slight light-headedness.

“I’ve always wanted to write a novel,” they say. “I have all these ideas and I really think I could get somewhere. I just don’t have any time, you know?”

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My insides start churning. I feel like I should say something, like I should tell them that writing isn’t something you just wake up and decide to do. It’s not like buying a latte. You don’t just walk up to a writing bar, give some money to a writing barista, and then BANG! you got a novel.

Not that I mean to disrespect baristas or anyone who actually wants to be a writer, but what people don’t realize is that writing is work. Just like any job, you have to put time into it. It’s like running a marathon. I can’t get up tomorrow and place first in a 20K. I’d fail. Miserably. In fact, I have failed. Writing itself comes with a lot of failure. You gotta go through a lot of rejection before you get ANYONE who believes enough in you or in your work to take you on. I just mean to say that what this person is implying is true: yes, anyone can write. Everyone has ideas that could be novel worthy.

But being a writer? That takes more than just a half-realized fantasy and some spare time.

I don’t say any of these things, of course. Instead, I smile and say “well, you should try it some time”. And this, I actually mean. Give it a try. Set forth, my child, and write away. At least then you’ll realize that writing is more than just a finished product or a contract. Writing is work. Writing is committing yourself to a passion even with other pressures and responsibilities like a full course load or a full time job. Writing is pursuing a dream even when you’re tired and grumpy after a long day and 2 hour commute. Writing is a lifestyle.

What writing is NOT, however, is a snap decision. It most definitely is NOT something that is accomplished easily with a little spare time and a ballpoint pen.

/end rant.

Hope you all are having a wicked week!

What writing (if any) are you pushing through?

 

You’re Weird. Seriously. Really Weird.

Okay, maybe not just you. Everyone. All humankind (and maybe alien forms, if they exist). There are just certain things that we as human beings do that are frankly just bizarre. I’ve compiled a small list of them below. Proceed to feel awkward.

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So awkward. Maybe cute. But mostly awkward.

Kissing

So, you really like someone, right? They treat you well and make you feel good and those sparks are flying, or so they say. What better way to show that person that you’re attracted to them than by mashing your lips against theirs? And hey, while you’re at it, throw in some tongue and saliva!

Who’s idea was that? Don’t get me wrong, I like a good kiss as much as the next person, but can you imagine how weird you look? I mean, recall what others look like when they kiss — and not just a peck, I mean a real, wet, sloppy smooch.

That’s you. That’s how you look. Awkward.

Dancing

If I were an alien from outer space and my super awesome x-ray vision goggles happened to be looking through the ceiling of a dance club, I would be afraid. I would probably take my space ship and get the hell right out of there — right away from whatever that is. We flail around like chickens, virtually hump anything we can get close to, and throw our hands in the air whenever there’s an obnoxious and screeching rise in the music.

And to make it worse, we prepare for this. We spent hours grooming and getting ready to prance around like rabid, semi-conscious animals. To top it all off, once we start, we just can’t stop! Get one of us going, and it’s like a disease. We practically herd ourselves into enclosed spaces in an effort to bump and grind and we do it for HOURS.

In fact, if I were a smart alien looking to invade this beautiful planet, I would just blast the YMCA and wait until the irresistible allure to jump about sets in.

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Easy alien bait right here.

Waiting

Honestly, we are probably the only species on this blessed Earth that does this. When we want something, we wait our turn. Okay, cool: we’re compassionate and rational and no one gets hurt that way. What is painful though is the way in which we do this. We plop ourselves into a location, stand completely still, and stare off into space.

AND THEN, heaven forbid you try to start conversation. If you talk to anyone, you get looks and exasperated sighs. If you’re lucky, you might just get someone to walk away, annoyed and slightly uncomfortable. Because talking to someone when you should just be quietly waiting? That’s just weird.

Stand in silence. It’s more natural that way.

Laughing

Let’s go back to our kissing scenario for a second. This is before then. This is a time before your incessant face mashing (maybe not, but let’s pretend). But something else is happening. Every time that person says or does something amusing, you have this uncontrollable urge to expel air from your lungs and screech like a banshee. Sometimes, the urge is so persistent, you do this many times, getting to the point where you have trouble breathing and tears flow from your eyes.

Another note taken for the alien. Amuse the humans and they’ll become a shrieking, snivelling mess.

—–

I tried to warn you. You’re just weird. Sorry you had to find out this way.

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President of the Weird Club. Yes, that’s my natural hair.